In case you missed the memo, I am five months pregnant with our first, a miracle little girl. I think we are both still in a bit of shock that I am actually pregnant, even with my rapidly expanding belly. I did not share with many people at all that we were struggling. Blame past experiences (like this one) but it is hard for me to trust or hear commentary at times. It’s not always helpful.
I am certainly no expert and I think everyone’s journey is very personal. Not one experience pertains to all. With that being said, I have some things I’ve learned through our three years of waiting:
YOU ARE YOUR BIGGEST MEDICAL ADVOCATE
This one took me awhile to figure out, but for a time I was waiting on doctors. My sweet friend encouraged me to start taking steps on my own: do some research, see a specialist. Don’t wait for someone to tell you what to do. You know your own body and if you think something’s not right, go the extra mile.
HAVE AN INFERTILITY FRIEND
This one is key and happened to fall in my lap, but a precious friend who was also struggling came into my life at the perfect time. It’s funny because we are both extremely private people, but managed to open up about our struggles. Having someone who was a little ahead of the curve was also amazing. She had already done several treatments, medications, etc and could give me very real and sound advice. Not to mention, being able to talk to someone who understands is KEY. We went so far as to fast every Friday for nearly a year, praying for those sweet babies. You know what’s amazing? She’s now also pregnant with a little girl, due nearly the same day as me. Apparently God was listening.
SOMEONE ELSE’S VICTORY IS NOT YOUR DEFEAT
I’m pretty sure the above sweet friend taught me this, but someone else’s story has nothing to do with your own. If someone close to you get’s pregnant, they did not take your child. It has nothing to do with your chances. For some reason this gave me a tremendous amount of comfort and allowed me to fully celebrate with close friends on their good news.
IT’S OKAY TO BE MAD
I had a major surgery, got a clean bill of health, and yet nothing happened. We proceeded with a fertility treatment that at the time, looked like it was going to be twins. I thought, ” Well surely we will get one!” Nope, nothing. I went to my parents house and sobbed, telling my dad how mad I was. He had the perfect reply, telling me yes, go ahead and get mad. That really helped in an unexpected way.
You know what else made me mad? Hearing reports on the news of how “These parents gave their kids heroin to help them sleep at night!” and yet we were not getting pregnant. Acknowledging the frustration of the situation somehow took the edge off for me.
PREGNANCY DOES NOT MAKE ME COMPLETE
I think the hardest part of the whole ordeal was the unknown. Were we supposed to have kids? Was this God’s plan or were we not fit to be parents? Were we bad people? Thankfully I had several people tell me no and not to waste time over-analyzing (aka unproductive thinking). Whether we had kids or not, I am a complete person. I am fully who God intended me to be: single or married, working or at home, mom or kid free!
DON’T ASK PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE KIDS
I cannot stress this enough, but do not ask anyone when they are going to have kids. When you think about it, this is an EXTREMELY personal question that can often place the person in a very awkward situation. They may be having problems… or you know what? They may not! You may not want to have children at all, which is a completely acceptable life choice. We had finally reached the point that we thought it was not our plan. We were not meant to have kids and we were okay with it. Just don’t ask…
If you’re struggling with infertility, I hope you hang in there. For me, it was a very lonely struggle and a tough place to be. God has a heart for those spots and tends to provide accordingly. I had some friends show up at KEY times that looking back was clearly Spirit led. In the meantime, I am praying for you.
Header image via Taylor Meyer Photography